How to Help Someone with Anger Issues

Anger is a common emotion and can easily spiral into rage, so there's
a chance you will someday encounter a friend, family member, or
partner who has trouble controlling their anger. You can help them,
first and foremost, by reeling in your own emotions, as becoming upset
yourself will likely worsen the problem. After responding
appropriately and de-escalating their anger, try motivating them to
get help for their anger. Having a loved one with a fiery temper can
be stressful, so be sure to look after yourself too.

Defusing Tension in the Moment


Stay calm during tense situations. If your loved one gets angry, the
only way you can effectively defuse the situation is by getting a hold
of your own anger. Losing your own temper will only make matters
worse. Breathe in and out deeply. Count silently to 100 or go splash
water on your face to clear your head.[1]


Speak in an even, moderate tone of voice. Lower your voice, so that
it's just above a whisper. Doing this helps you maintain calm without
shouting, but it also reinforces appropriate communication. Your loved
one will likely follow suit and lower their voice, too.[2]


Give your full attention when listening. Many angry people get that
way because they feel no one is listening to them. Turn off your loved
one's angry switch by giving them 100% of your attention. Turn to face
them and hear them out without interrupting.[3]
Being a good listener could help defuse the situation completely. Be
sure to pay attention to the underlying issue.


Show compassion towards the other person. Your loved one may act angry
because they don't believe they are being heard or understood. Be sure
to validate their experience and let them know that you are taking
them seriously and respect their opinions.[4]
Demonstrate your understanding by using reflection techniques. This
might sound like, "I can see why you feel angry about the teller being
rude to you," or "I think I understand the problem. You feel
overlooked."

Assert your boundaries. Insist that your angry loved one treat you
with respect. In a calm and cool manner, say something like, "I will
leave if you don't stop shouting," or "I won't continue this
conversation if you engage in name-calling."[5]
Once a boundary has been communicated, be firm and follow through if
the person crosses the line.


Use "I" statements to discuss the problem. You want to steer clear of
criticism or blame, so interact using "I" statements that convey your
needs without placing blame. These statements don't attack the other
person, but they do let you communicate how you feel about the
issue.[6]
For example, instead of saying "You are always shouting at me!" say "I
feel anxious when you shout. Can we try to use indoor voices?"


Resist the urge to give advice. Angry people often view advice as
criticism, so avoid trying to fix their problem. Just actively listen.
If you want to try to work out whether your loved one merely wants to
vent or needs a solution, ask them— after they've finished talking.[7]
You might ask, "Do you want help with the problem or did you just want
to get everything off your chest?" before you try to offer advice. Or,
you could say, "I understand your anger. How can I help?"
If your loved one tends to view you as critical, save your solutions
for another time when they've cooled off.


Take a break if you need one. If you feel under attack or overwhelmed
during communication with an angry person, ask for a timeout. You
might say, "I don't think we're going to reach an agreement if we're
shouting at each other. Let's take 10, okay?" Go someplace where you
feel safe and get your own emotions under control.[8]
Listen to soft music, watch a silly YouTube video, or call someone who
tends to calm you down.

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